Sunday, April 7, 2013

The End


In the interest of keeping you guessing, or maybe because I'm lazy, I thought I'd dive right in and save the background story for later.  All you really need to know right now is that I've committed to putting healthy eating and exercise to the test for one whole year. I was originally going to start in May due to a vacation I have at the end of April, but just today I've decided to start sometime toward the end of next week.
It seems as though I have terrible timing for choosing to change my eating habits, I usually get fed up about a month before a major eating holiday or vacation, and I can't seem to make myself wait until after the celebration to start a diet. I'm famous for going on a diet two weeks before Christmas and sticking to it through the holiday (ironically, only to ditch it a month and a half later--more on my sordid relationship with food and dieting later), which brings me to now: A couple of weeks before a trip to Hawaii with my husband, and I'm about to start the hcg diet which means I'll be dieting a very strict diet while in Hawaii, land of the best food this side of the US.  
Why do I do this? Well, this has a small bit to do with my twisted and unhealthy relationship with food. First, you should know that I suffer from "All or Nothing" -itis.  My behaviors are extreme and this very real part of me makes me prone to harmful behaviors and even addictions.  Thankfully, for religious reasons, I abstain from Alcohol, drugs, and the like so there is no real danger there.  I digress, back to the why.  Right now, I am in full swing of what I affectionately refer to as the "all" phase of eating.  This means I'm eating all kinds of junk, and without digging too much into the details, I'm sick. I'm actually literally not feeling well, and I am also figuratively sick of the shame and emotional stress that comes with eating like I am. I am also terribly sick of the extra weight I am gaining.  I've discovered that one of the best physical feelings in the world is losing weight and feeling your body reduce, conversely, that makes one of the worst physical feelings to be gaining weight and feeling your body gradually expand and your clothes tighten.  Really, its the most hateful feeling in the world, and it can make a person very miserable and bitter. And mean. At least this is my experience.
So I was faced with a decision: Continue this horrid way of life for one more month so I could "enjoy my vacation," or just stop it already and lose some weight so that I could actually enjoy my vacation.  I always decide to do the latter, and I have never regretted it.  The junk food is never worth it.  Actually I could market that last sentance and have it tatooed on my forehead.  THE JUNK FOOD IS NEVER WORTH IT. 
I've actually noticed that junk food doesn't taste as good as it used to, or as good as I remember it tasting, I'm not sure which it is. Which begs the billion dollar question: Why the hell do I keep eating it then (insert a few more cuss words)?
Want to know my theory? No, my real theory? Not the polite answer I give when talking to friends, or the facetious answer I use at parties-- but the REAL reason? Honestly-- it's addiction.  The topic of Addiction really deserves its own post though, so I will stop here for now.
Thanks for joining me-- I should leave you all with a caveat before we part:
I am doing this blog to help me.  I need to journal my feelings and discoveries to help me kick these bad habits for good. Hopefully, I will be able to help anyone who has felt the same feelings I have to change their lives for the better.  That's what this blog is. This blog ISN'T however a forum for multiple people to debate my decisions.  I'm in a very delicate state right now as you will soon be made aware, and I am not interested in defending my decisions to anyone.  I am doing what I feel to be right for me at this time in my life.  Maybe I'm wrong, it certainly wouldn't be the first time, but I don't want to hear it from any of my readers. If my personal decisions bother you or threaten you in any way, please keep it to yourself.  It's with this declaration that I have decided to allow comments, but honestly, if it isn't helpful I may remove the option.  What I really need is support, not negativity, and this promises to be a difficult and very personal journey. Thank you for your understanding.

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